On today's episode of "Fuck Around and Find Out"

January 24, 2025

First it was Vivek Ramalamadingdong and now it’s Bill McGinley who have bid a not-so-fond farewell to DOGE (per the Wall Street Journal); you know, that made-up “Department of Government Efficiency” where everyone practices the Nazi salute every morning and sings Wal-Mart songs to hype themselves up? Bill was DOGE’s legal counsel, appointed by FOTUS (that’s Felon of the United States) in December and the department’s mandate was to cut waste in the federal government. By losing two employees in the span of a week, they’re making something more efficient, anyway.

McGinley got the hell out of Saigon in less than half a Scarmucci, catching the last helicopter out to the private sector, where he is said to be in talks with several major law firms. A White House DOGE spokesthing did not return requests for comments except to say McGinley kept trying to make “fetch” happen and “fetch” is not going to happen.

Leopards are gonna need to get on Ozempic after they eat all these faces.

I don’t know what his deal is with this one, but, per executive order with his signature that looks like a Klan rally, Donnie Deuterostome has declassified the files relating to the assassination of the Intitial Dudes: JFK, RFK and MLK. Granted, it’s just a bunch of redacted nonsense and most of it’s been released already, but it seems like executive orders are his new binky, and make him feel like a Big Boy who doesn’t need his Big Wheel anymore and can sleep without a nightlight, so you rock on with your bad self, Deuterostome. They should be out in a few days and if there’s anything new or interesting, I’ll let you know.

As to JFK, well, I’m about to piss some people off here, I think. I grew up in Dallas and anytime anyone visited, they all wanted to see the goddam grassy knoll. Spoiler: it looks exactly like it does on TV. There’s a museum in the Texas Schoolbook Depository where Lee Harvey Oswald (who was a fag and yes, that’s a movie reference) perched in his little nest. You can sit there and check it out. I tend to subscribe to Occam’s Razor, and I should add that I’m a very good shot. And a good shot could absolutely have fired those fatal rounds at the Presidential motorcade. I think Oswald did it, and I think he was a patsy, as he said, and I think Jack Ruby shot him so that Oswald couldn’t give up the people at whose behest he shot the President.

A bit of a funny note: there’s a permanent white X on the asphalt where the fatal shot was fired (you can see it on Google maps). I always thought it would be funny to take a picture of it and turn it into a postcard: Wish you were here.

Yeah, I’m twisted. These aren’t the droids you’re looking for. Move along. If the title of this column doesn’t tell you what you’re in for, I don’t know how to help you.

This one is a little more disturbing, though. In 2022, I wrote about Lauren Handy, an anti-abortion nut who was sentenced to 57 months in prison because of her charming little habit of blockading abortion clinics because her beliefs are so Important and Special that she has to inflict them on others (and I guarantee she’s vegan and don’t come for me because you know I’m right). But that wasn’t all she did: she decided to become Jeffrey Dahmer 2: Electric Boogaloo and had collected some 115 fetal remains along with five fetuses (fetii?) that she kept in her freezer, as you do. This wingnut had named each one of the fetal remains (“Good night, Mary Ellen.” “Good night, Edith.” “Good night, Aglet.” “Good night, Sneuxflayke.” “Good night, Bratson.” “Good night, Snotleigh.” “Good night, Raefarty” (or would that be Farty Rae?) but she also gave each one of said remains a funeral. So like she buried an ear. Then she buried a foot. Then she buried a humerus because the whole thing is darkly funny. She didn’t face any legal consequences for that stunt, because it wasn’t illegal, per se, but she got plenty of side-eye from the cops, I’m sure, and she is not allowed to bring anything to eat to the neighborhood block party and barbecue. There was a check point Charlie, he didn’t crack a smile.

Anyway, she got pardoned, along with 22 other anti-abortion wingnuts, so I guess that means she digs up good old baby Aglet’s mandible and gets it bronzed to present to the Diapered Deuterostome where it will fit in beautifully with MAGA Lardo’s decor. Good timing because today is the annual March For Life, aka the My Partner Can’t Find My Clitoris And Neither Can I So This Is How I Release My Frustrations And Get All Up In Your Koolaid Even Though I Don’t Know The Flavor march.

Not only the fourteenth amendment is on the chopping block. Fourth amendment? What’s that? ICE raids are beginning and they’ll be hitting restaurants, schools, churches and other establishments, including Home Depot. They hit a business in Newark, NJ (a blue state) yesterday and Mayor Ras Baraka had some harsh words for the Donvict.

“Today, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents raided a local establishment in the city of Newark, detaining undocumented residents and citizens, without producing a warrant. One of the detainees is a U.S. military veteran, who suffered the indignity of having the legitimacy of his military documentation questioned. This act is in plain violation of the Fourth Amendment of the U.S. Constitution which guarantees the ‘right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers and effects and against unreasonable searches and seizures.’ Newark will not stand idly while people are being unlawfully terrorized. I’ll be holding a press conference in alliance with partners ready and willing to defend and protect civil and human rights.”

It’s beginning, so if you can (apparently older versions of Androids don’t support it) download the Mobile Justice app. You can record events through it that will go straight to the ACLU and there’s lots of good civil rights information on the app as well. And if you’re in a giving mood, the ACLU and the Southern Poverty Law Center are mighty important organizations, especially now.

Angels and ministers of grace, defend us.

That’s all I have for you today, kittens.