On today’s episode of “Fuck Around and Find Out”:
I’m back, and glad to be here on my 10-month anniversary. I took last week off because my mental health was just circling the drain and it was all too much. Depression sucks camel dicks. But I was so amazed and touched by how many of you reached out to me, and, for the first time, I didn’t feel alone, and I am just sort of blown away. I just have to live with it—I have insurance but the mental health care coverage is horrible, and I cannot afford to see a shrink out of pocket, so that’s the deal and that’s life with a big black dog sitting on your chest. It’s the reality for so many people. You’ve been so kind, though, so thank you, all of you. You helped in so many ways, and I am grateful for my kittens. Your support means a lot, and if you like what you read, you can always subscribe to nancywoods.substack.com or patreon.com/nancywoods.
But shall we snark? Cum on feel the noize. Girls rock your boys.
The bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word. Yes. Big Bird has got the GQP madder than a mosquito in a room full of mannequins. Yes, that Big Bird. Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Imagine, if you will, a man down on his luck. A Senator and professional gadfly with few friends, and fewer braincells. The only human known to have been born as a result of parthenogenesis and a devotee to the cause of flaccid sophistry. He has no purpose in life except to vent his ignoble wrath on anything that others hold dear; most recently, he can be found engaging in a national health care debate with a Muppet. But Senator Ted Cruz is about to enter public service… in the Twilight Zone.
Yep, the current bitchfight on the Hill is between Big Bird and Fled Cancruz. Fled won’t defend his wife, or his father, or himself (much less his dog) but he’ll get into it with Big Bird. Only Fled would pick a fight with a fictional character. Bet he’s still salty after getting his ass kicked by The Count after school in fifth grade.
Seems that Big Bird took to twitter, as big birds do, tweeting “I got the COVID-19 vaccine today! My wing is feeling a little sore, but it’ll give my body an extra protective boost that keeps me and others healthy. Ms. EricaRHill even said I’ve been getting vaccines ever since I was a little bird. I had no idea!”
I kind of hope he got vaccinated in his left wing, because then the headlines would be all “Left Wing propagandist Big Bird subject to Right Wing attacks!”
Well, Fled wasn’t about to let that fly, and he hadn’t kicked any toddlers lately, so he had to stick his big, unwanted, punchable face into it. He retweeted it, saying “Government propaganda… for your 5 year old!”
And there’s precedent for the attacks on Big Bird. In 2012, Mitt Romney debated Obama, and the feathers flew. During the debate, Romney said “I’m sorry, Jim [Lehrer, moderator], I’m going to stop the subsidy to PBS. I’m going to stop other things. I like PBS, I love Big Bird. Actually like you, too. But ... I’m not going to keep on spending money on things to borrow money from China to pay for.”
Obama said, a few days later, “I mean, thank goodness somebody is finally getting tough on Big Bird! It’s about time. We didn’t know that Big Bird was driving the federal deficit.” He always has the retorts. Fuck, we need him back.
Mr. Potatohead, Dr. Seuss, Elmo, Big Bird… the GOP really knows who to attack. The whole thing is just fowl. Who’s next? Charlie Brown, that Bolshevik weenie?
**
And, sick as I am of it, (and I know you are too), we must talk about infrastructure. It’s starting to feel like when you break up with that creepy guy that kept insisting that strawberry ice cream was your favorite when you’re actually a pistachio girl but you finally say “FINE. I love strawberry ice cream!” just to shut him up and he brings you strawberry ice cream every week even after you break up because he just won’t go away and the poor pistachio ice cream languishes in the freezer wondering why you don’t love it anymore.
The House has passed the $1.2 trillion bipartisan infrastructure bill. The final vote was 228-206. 13 Republicans voted for it, with 6 Democrats voting against. (The bill passed the Senate back in August, with all the Senate Democrats and 19 Senate Republicans voting for it.)
Representative Ayanna Pressley was one of those voting no, saying “I voted no tonight on the BIF because I refuse to pit community member against community member… we had an agreement that these two bills would move together—not that we would vote for one in exchange for a potential vote on other if certain conditions were met. Unfortunately, that agreement was not honored. As such, I voted no tonight on the narrow roads and bridges bill.”
It’s confusing, but this is not the “Build Back Better” bill, or the “human” infrastructure bill. This one deals with “hard” infrastructure. Heh-heh, I said “hard”.
What’s in it? It includes $550 billion in new federal spending, spread out over five years.
To wit: $110 billion for roads and bridges
$73 billion to rebuild the power grid (you paying attention, Texas? It won’t help you because you are special snowflakes with your very own private grid and we all know how that worked out for you)
$65 billion to upgrade high speed internet and broadband so that everyone in the US can look at porn and cat videos
$66 billion for improvements to passenger and freight rail
$55 billion to clean up national water pipes and remove lead pipes
$39 billion to improve public transit (no more sitting in pee! Yay!)
$25 billion to improve airports (do something about the traffic at LAX, please)
$7.5 billion for electric vehicle infrastructure and charging stations (which is why the electric grid needs work, to handle the increased load as cars go electric)
So, what about the Build Back Better bill? I will tell you the latest, kittens. The House voted on the bill, which is geared towards expanding the social safety net or “human” infrastructure. The vote was just a procedural vote, which you can think of as the first step to getting the bill passed through the House. Of course, all members of the GOP voted “no” because Republicans. The bill will still need a full vote in the House, and then it will go to the Senate if it passes the House. The Senate will first hold a vote-a-rama (I still shake my head when I type that because of how stupid that sounds) and then the final vote.
Democrats plan to pass the bill via a process called budget reconciliation, but that requires every single Democrat to vote for it, and that’s where we get a hitch in our giddy-up, mostly in the form of Senator DINOmite Manchin, who most recently was seen driving his $81,000 Maserati (from his $700,000 yacht) through a crowd of climate protesters (the video’s on TikTok and yes, his SUV makes contact).
Right now, the bill and its contents are still in limbo, and it faces a lot of changes ahead. House Democrats are still trying to win over all their members, and Senate Democrats are warning that the bill faces yet more changes once it reaches their chamber.
Speaker Nancy Pelosi has her hands full trying to mitigate various sticking points in the bill between moderates and progressives on issues like immigration and prescription drug price negotiations.
As to the Senate, well, DINOmite Manchin is still working to ensure his corporate donors are rewarded for their faith in him, telling Faux News that “I have a lot of concerns, let's put it that way”, adding that the House bill is “not going to be the bill I work off of.” I have a Manchin, forget the price.
Moody’s Analytics, who does not have a horse in the race, found that the infrastructure agenda would add nearly $3 trillion to the GDP, 1.5 million jobs, and ease inflation (saw gas for $5/gallon yesterday in LA). Looking at you, Sens. Sinema and DINOmite “let them eat coal” Manchin.
So basically, this isn’t going anywhere for quite a while. Sit back and enjoy watching your tax dollars at work. But here’s a bit of fun. Here is some of the last page of the infrastructure bill, that Nancy Pelosi posted with her signature, just to show you some of the language and, uh, good luck.
SEC. 100706. SEPARABILITY.
If a provision of this division, or the application of a provision of this division to any person or circumstance, is held by a court of competent jurisdiction to be invalid, that judgment—
(1) Shall not affect, impair, or invalidate—
(A) Any other provision of this division; or
(B) The application of this division to any other person or circumstance; and
(2) Shall be confined in its operation to—
(A) The provision of this division with respect to which the judgment is rendered; or
(B) The application of the provision of this division to each person or circumstance directly involved in the controversy in which this judgment is rendered.
I think my soul just made a little Horcrux.
And that’s all I have for you today, kittens.
Glad you’re back, my friend. I do know more than I wish I did about depression. Camel dicks aren’t even all there is to it - though that would be enough, I think.
The latter bit is also what I think about Nickelback, but I digress.
Sending understanding- if probably not sufficient- energy. Hugs from temporarily tolerable SE Texas. Hang in there, dear. <3