I can so relate. My mission on this earth has been to break the generational trauma of fear. Lots of challenges. You are very brave. Thank you for sharing.
Nancy, I am so very sorry that you had to experience all of this. My heart breaks for that little girl. Sending a hug.
On another note, I would love to know what happened at the cemetery that led you to believe your mother was OK, if you would be willing to share. Totally understand if you are not. (Curious as a retired nurse who spent her career working oncology and hospice, I also have many, many stories... )
I feel compelled to write because your words remind me of my mother's nonexistent relationship with her mother. My mother had little peace with the relationship until she was in assisted living toward the end of her life. She commented to me, "I never realized how alone and afraid my mother must have felt," referring to her mother's commitment to a mental institution for 20 years in her mid life. I don't think my mother ever had one positive interaction with her mother, but in the end could connect on the basic level of their common humanity. I hope that was healing for her.
Thank you for sharing this Nancy. That’s a lot of stuff to carry around. Your inner child was really damaged, but I’m so glad that as an adult you seem to be able to process it and be a whole person. Of course I don’t know you personally, but that is just what I seem to get from your writing. 💜
Thank you for your courage to tell your story. Mine is similar though not identical. My mother's addiction was anger and payback. She also made my dad leave the Air Force and would not allow the movie "Strategic Air Command" to be viewed in our home. Carrying all of that around for so long can wear you out. Thank goodness for good therapists. And a dark sense of humor. ❤️
Reading this was so eerily similar to what I experienced growing up. My mom worked in a courthouse and I knew the juvenile court judge well. One day (elem school age) I walked into his office and said I wanted to see my adoption papers because I knew I was adopted so my mom could have a slave. He said I wasn’t adopted and he saw me when my mom had me. Many more similar things and THEN mom died and it was a relief (exactly one year and one day after dad died)….as an only child I was in charge of the funeral. Her favorite were yellow roses (which I hated BECAUSE they were her fav)….and before I ordered her flowers I saw the casket she picked….with a pink satin interior. Figured what did I have to lose at this point not choosing yellow. I figure she’s either with dad tormenting him still or on her own in a different place. The things others saw as insignificant were life altering. At least I knew how not to parent from her examples. Thanks for sharing. It helps to know we aren’t alone.
You were wondering what it means that you feel the way you do. It means you are perfectly normal. Take Care. You are not them. You are a whole unique person with your own life.
You were a victim, but you are not a victim any more.
You don't need to carry around their craziness.
It was theirs. Let it die with them.
Breathe and focus on today. The world turns and the past is gone.
I am so sorry you had to go through all of that and for so long. While it has made you the strong woman you are today, it also leaves a lasting hurt that may always be at the back of your mind. Try to remember her from the good days. My situation was not the same but my mom left a couple of years before she actually left due to dementia. I try to remember who she was when she was still there with me and how much she cared. It helps. Thinking of you.
My heart cries for you. I so wish your mother could have been the mother that you deserved to have, and I'm positive that she would have been proud of the woman you have become. Much love to you, Nancy.
I can so relate. My mission on this earth has been to break the generational trauma of fear. Lots of challenges. You are very brave. Thank you for sharing.
Your openness and vulnerability here is so valued. Thank you for speaking your truth in telling your story that many of us can relate to in some way.
Nancy, I am so very sorry that you had to experience all of this. My heart breaks for that little girl. Sending a hug.
On another note, I would love to know what happened at the cemetery that led you to believe your mother was OK, if you would be willing to share. Totally understand if you are not. (Curious as a retired nurse who spent her career working oncology and hospice, I also have many, many stories... )
>>I also have many, many stories...
Ooooh, I wanna hear!
I feel compelled to write because your words remind me of my mother's nonexistent relationship with her mother. My mother had little peace with the relationship until she was in assisted living toward the end of her life. She commented to me, "I never realized how alone and afraid my mother must have felt," referring to her mother's commitment to a mental institution for 20 years in her mid life. I don't think my mother ever had one positive interaction with her mother, but in the end could connect on the basic level of their common humanity. I hope that was healing for her.
Thank you for sharing this Nancy. That’s a lot of stuff to carry around. Your inner child was really damaged, but I’m so glad that as an adult you seem to be able to process it and be a whole person. Of course I don’t know you personally, but that is just what I seem to get from your writing. 💜
Thank you for your courage to tell your story. Mine is similar though not identical. My mother's addiction was anger and payback. She also made my dad leave the Air Force and would not allow the movie "Strategic Air Command" to be viewed in our home. Carrying all of that around for so long can wear you out. Thank goodness for good therapists. And a dark sense of humor. ❤️
I’m so sorry this happened, Nancy. I’m glad you speak from your heart.
Reading this was so eerily similar to what I experienced growing up. My mom worked in a courthouse and I knew the juvenile court judge well. One day (elem school age) I walked into his office and said I wanted to see my adoption papers because I knew I was adopted so my mom could have a slave. He said I wasn’t adopted and he saw me when my mom had me. Many more similar things and THEN mom died and it was a relief (exactly one year and one day after dad died)….as an only child I was in charge of the funeral. Her favorite were yellow roses (which I hated BECAUSE they were her fav)….and before I ordered her flowers I saw the casket she picked….with a pink satin interior. Figured what did I have to lose at this point not choosing yellow. I figure she’s either with dad tormenting him still or on her own in a different place. The things others saw as insignificant were life altering. At least I knew how not to parent from her examples. Thanks for sharing. It helps to know we aren’t alone.
This is so heavy. My heart weeps for your childhood. I am glad you are getting through the loss. We never really can totally recover.
.
You were wondering what it means that you feel the way you do. It means you are perfectly normal. Take Care. You are not them. You are a whole unique person with your own life.
You were a victim, but you are not a victim any more.
You don't need to carry around their craziness.
It was theirs. Let it die with them.
Breathe and focus on today. The world turns and the past is gone.
Make the future yours and put good things in it.
💕💕💕🗽🇺🇲🇺🇦
I am so sorry you had to go through all of that and for so long. While it has made you the strong woman you are today, it also leaves a lasting hurt that may always be at the back of your mind. Try to remember her from the good days. My situation was not the same but my mom left a couple of years before she actually left due to dementia. I try to remember who she was when she was still there with me and how much she cared. It helps. Thinking of you.
Nancy, I'm so sorry this happened to you.
My heart cries for you. I so wish your mother could have been the mother that you deserved to have, and I'm positive that she would have been proud of the woman you have become. Much love to you, Nancy.
From your lips (or keyboard) to gift the souls of others.
My heart is with you. I also carry heavy baggage.